It Is What It Is

This meme struck a chord tonight...this isone of my regular sayings. And today, after enjoying a really nice day, I decided to stop at a local brewery for a drink and I thought live music (I missed it.) My son called as I arrived needing help on something and we chatted away as I got my drink and then moved to sit outside and enjoy the weather. Suddenly, my ex, who lives 40 minutes away comes out the door. Once I finish up the phone call, he asks to sit down. He had a bone to pick with me.

I honestly can't remember for sure, but I think the first bone was over a friend's daughter spreading "rumors" about his affair. How I needed to tell my friend it needed to stop or there were going to be issues. Eventually he let up on it, as he couldn't explain how said issues were since it wasn't like the child was lying. I think his "Karen, I mean Kimber" (see earlier post) heard said child commenting about it and told him and he wanted me to fix it. Who knows.

The second was a text I sent his mom and got all turned around. I think in a prior post I mentioned she eliminated me from her life and that I just recently saw her "in the wild". I was in her area and thought I'd reach out to see if she wanted to talk. I texted. She said she didn't, she can't be the blended family I want. I told her I no longer wanted that. She asked why, and that my boys have told her I'm very happy. I stated that her son was just up to his usual tricks and that I was glad that's how the boys see me. WELL, she told him that I said he was up to his usual tricks and the boys are noticing. Ooooooooops. Not what I said. Isn't texting great?

This all turned in to more conversation. Airing grievances. Saying things that had been left unsaid prior. Hearing the same BS as well. I cried. He said what he said, placed blame on me for making him feel unwanted and unhappy up to 2 years prior to his affair. The period of time when I was healing from multiple surgeries, still working insane hours, and handling 90% of the home life. He said I was more a mom than a wife/girlfriend. He admitted to drinking too much. And that he didn't know how to deal in a better way. That me telling him that I was feeling disconnected instead of making him think I wanted to work on us, was me admitting what he thought he knew, that I didn't want him. He agreed the weekend I found out was one of the best we had in a long time, but had no excuse for the messaging he was having with her. He jumped into relationships trying to fill the void, make himself feel better. He admitted to the lies to the women that he made up about me. But he claimed he knows how I feel. I'm sure referencing his first marriage where he claims she ran off with someone else. I said he can't possibly know what this level of betrayal and constant disrespect could feel like. 23 years vs maybe 3? If he knew, there's no chance he would have cheated. This type of pain, if you experience it, I don't know how you do to someone else.

I think maybe I have the closure I've never had. I said a lot. I questioned more. I told him his last lie (about being married) and the subsequent not bothering g to apologize for said lie was the nail to make me not want that blended family. To not want to be around him. And he seemed to understand the level of distrust and hurt he has caused.

I know in my heart that his affair was a gift. I did deserve better. I was spinning my wheels going no where. He felt he was as well. We didn't communicate anymore. If we ever really did. I know he is broken and has a lot of fixing to do. I don't know that he knows how deep rooted his brokenness is, or how to catch himself repeating the same behaviors again and again. I know I had e broken pieces. I know I will have to work at trust. At not worrying communication or lack of will be a weapon. I know I lose myself in relationships and maybe in trying to make him happy, miss the mark. I need to focus on me. Then my partner from the start. I can't ever lose me again. And I won't. Take me or leave me, right or wrong. It is what it is.

I think